Well... 1.1.03.
What do I want to have this year?

Nothing, actually. I'm happy as I am. Weird. I always say that I'm sorry I did this or that, but I'd never change the things that happened to me. Unlike Ma-nii-chan, I think you learn from everything. Everything affects you. Even if you don't notice it.

What happened this year?

I accepted my grandmother's death. ._. I've started to make some serious decisions about my future, and I'm not regretting that. I had some big breakdowns. I've changed a lot, you can say that.

And also, I met you! *hugs*

And I accepted myself.

What do I want to happen?

World peace? ;) Well, no. Never. World peace was never meant to be. :O I just want to be happy, which is quite impossible. ^^;;

+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+

Happy new year, all. You all deserve a happy moment. Unlike who you think you are... don't underestimate yourselves. You all do it. Now I'm going to work on some personal greetings to send through email. :) Hopefully I'll get that right... o.o;

Anyways.

Have a good time, enjoy, and be happy. That's the only thing I want to the new year. That's what I want for you. ^-^

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

I know I posted it before midnight, but I'm tired and I'm going to sleep. ^^;;;

|Meduza|

They're back.

...
I've got a stone. o.o;; Sure, it's a round nice looking stone, but still, it's a stone. Oh, and a sad looking cat thingie of some sort of metal. ~_~

The sad thing? I have no room for these things. Okay, maybe for the stone, but not for the saddie-cattie...

Another sad thing?
._.
I've got a stone.

A stone!

|Meduza|

Tomorrow there's a bar-mizva. I don't wanna go, but I have to.

While looking for an excuse to stay at home, I think I cracked one of my bones. Or, as I explained carefully- "Hmmm... let's say I was going behind a door and kicked my leg in that thing that keeps the door open, that's set in the floor."

Littlest toe, HURTS. Fucking, fucking hurts. And as I hopped to the kitchen to drink, guess who came!
That's right!

DIZZINESS!

Couldn't see anything anymore, swallowed some water and hopped to my room to the bed while yelling to Mom that I need her.

Gave me an Akamol {helped a bit} glass of water {helped a lot} and left me to sleep. ~_~

That's it. I'm not napping anymore..

*edit- Merry Christmas, all. ><*

|Meduza|

Me wants to thank May for helping Me to discover why Me hates math! &.&;;

|Meduza|

Day two without dad and Yoav has passed away, just like the first. The house's slightly empty, but that's all. ^^ {It's nice not to hear Yoav's friends. ~_~}

Downloaded some of David Eddings' books. ^_^ I'm reading the second one in the Belgariad. ^_________^

I know what to ask for my birthday. :P

Oh well. Everyone who reads this, please comment. *tries this* You won't get a nice poem here, but, oh well. ^_^ I wanna know who's reading this thing. ^_______^

|Meduza|

I don't think people understand the relationship I have with math. I hate math- I'm afraid of it. Got my first failed at the third grade. Humiliating. ~_~ Anyways, I can't do math. Numbers don't have a meaning for me. I know what 1 + 1 are, but I can't deal with more complicated things. I can barely multiply. I can't deal with big numbers, also. But I can deal with infinity... Weird.

Anyways. Some people are good at math. Some people are bad at that. I just can't understand it.

Whiny brat, hm? I think you should think it a bit over, Rattie-chan. I have every reason to act like this when people talk about math. I may whine about other things, but that's not one of them. And I usually don't whine. So if I am, I hate until it's not really a whine... :P

Anyways, a lot of pain is hiding down there. x_x

|Meduza|

Cried, and cried, and cried for over an hour.

I still can't say I'm happy about what happened. But at least I cried. Something I felt like doing for some time. -_-;;; Crying helps. It makes more space for new things. Think about a bowl. At some point it's full. So to have more room for water, you have to spill a bit.

Now I feel ready to face things. :)

|Meduza|

Dad and Yoav are flying to France. Ski. Snow. WTF?

Dad says it's because "I know Yoav wants snow, and wants cold, and ski. I don't really want to go, but I will"- more or less.

...
Great. Just fucking great. I also like snow. I also want snow. But NO! It's just them. And my dad knows me well enough so he KNOWS I love the snow and such. Isn't even offering. Instead it's "you'll choose a place in Europe for a week, with me or mom in your birthday".

I'm not sure I want to. But that thing of not OFFERING me to join. He didn't even say it's a present for his birthday. Maybe it is, but... he didn't say that. It hurts. My dad knows me, probably better than I know myself in some things.

I don't know. I really don't know even what I DO know and what I don't.

Great. Depression is up again. Now excuse me while crying myself to sleep again. ><

|Meduza|

*sighs*

Sent a snail to Rattie-chan. ^^ Should be there.... don't know when. I just hope it won't get there wet. :P Especially with all the rain here lately. :O Anyways, the snail was sent . ^_^

...yesterday there was a two inches flood. In my room and my brother's. In my other brother's room it was just an inch. ><; Kids' room- From three to one. Porch? About three. Half an hour to get rid of the water; the carpet is still wet. o_O

And again, the electrical blackouts continue. Yesterday we {me and Dad} tried to deal with them for an hour. v_v; At the end, every room but the eastern ones had electricity.

Now, guess what?
Yes.
My room is to the east.
Joyjoyjoy. Blachs.

Okay, then. Bye. ~_~ Back to my book. Blachs. Blachs. BLACHS. Good book, though. ^^; It's just that, NOW I have no internet, so I write this on Word. ><

Electrician came. Bye. Hopefully he'll know what to do. ><;;;

|Meduza|

{Note- wrote that about... three hours ago? A bit more, I think. ^^;}

/me sweatdrops. ^^;

This night, I slept for more than twelve hours. Went to sleep at about... nine. Woke up at six, thirsty. Went to drink, went back to sleep because it was dark outside {a rule of mine, was invented after I woke up more than once at five, three, four... AM}. Fell back to sleep. Dunno why, forgot, woke up again at nine, went back to sleep. Then woke up at twelve and a half, knowing I missed some people online but Rattie-chan. Okay. I'm on. The computer went off again with the rest of my home! Joy! Turning it back on.

Rattie-chan's not on. -_______-

And no one else that's on just early in the morning. ;_;

Talked to other people for about half an hour {don't get me wrong, it's fun to talk to you! You're not just... as rare as those. ^^} until he got on. After a typo I decided to call him Tarrie-chan from time to time. :P Anyways, Tarrie-chan says it's "It sounds like a chicks name. @_@". Decided to call him like that for a bit. ^_^;

I need help! I need people to tell me what's written in Genesis, first chapter, two first sentences {right word? :O}. Please be kind and give me it. ^_^;

After two hours off, went back on and talked to Rattie-chan again. Army, religion, and army again! Notr for others- STOP BEING SO SURPRISED THAT I'LL HAVE TO GO TO THE ARMY, OKAY?! AND THAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO GO! Thanks. ^^

|Meduza|

People on the net... are not that different from the reality. They show a part from themselves to the other person. Spmetimes, people in the RL don't see it. I know it, because I already met people from the internet. When I met them, they were sort of the same. I know I felt more open with them than I would with my other friends. I found good friends. I found people who are similar to me..I found people who are different from me.

I never lost my trust in people unless they showed they weren't worth for it. I think that the only person I don't trust, is me... After a week of mental exhaustion, I still couldn't trust myself to do a decision. I chose the easy way out.

But now, when I've been shown the way it could go... I don't want to go through there. I don't want to think "I've fucked another good thing I could've had". At least I've tried. At least I'm honest. At least I'm ME. And finally, I'll let another side of me out.

I trust people. And now, I also trust myself.

|Meduza|

Heheheheh.

Just remembered something. ^_^ I like strwberries. ^-^ They're in the winter, watermelons {stupid name. XD} in the simmer. ^_^ My brother's addicted to chestnuts. My other brother... o-o nothing, actually. ^_^;;;

Anyways, I cut my brother something like... four years ago? A bit more, I think. He was cutting a watermelon, and I moved his hand. ^^;;;

There was blood EVERYWHERE. XD He still has the scar, although it's gotten smaller as his skin stretched. ^_^;

And when my hamster bit my other brother. XD When he was something like three. XD
Too bad he killed my hamsters. v_v; With a plastic ball he put in their cage. The babies ate it, choked on it, and the mother ate them and choked on them... ;;>_<

Oh, well. ^_^;;;

|Chibi-Meduza|

We. Are. The. Chibis!

And. You. Are. Not.

HAHA!

And Draconii-chan said: "[21:32] I'm a Squirt with PRIDE ^_^"

Heheheh.

|Chibi-Meduza|

Repression.
Rationalization.

Now-
It's denial! XD

Uhm. Yeah. XD

Studying it in psychology sucks. ^_^ Especially when I live it. ^_^

|Meduza|

Something Plushie-chan told me:

"Confusing stuff just need time for you to sort out."

How true. He was the only one ho said something that I took as advice. ^^; It calmed me a lot. ^^;;; About... two days ago. We had a LONG convey. ^^;;; Out of all the five people who know {shuddup.}, he doesn't know. And he was the ONLY ONE who said something true. ^^;

And if you ask me "know what", I'll kill you. That's for me and people I told them to know. ^^; Nothing against you all. ^^;;; Just...I need to sort things out. <.< >.>

Yep. That's what I'm doing. Sorting things out.

*panicks again*

How stupid can a person be? *_*; Probably very stupid. I'm a living proof. ><;;;

|Meduza|

Okay, now I am not longer short on time. ^^v I'll go to sleep in a sec, anyways... ^^V

That story with Hodaya... made me think. <.<;; I like kids. Not the two years old brats. Until age seven-eight, they're bratty brats. I don't like them. ^^;; But the youngers- from the day they're born. On that year you can decide whether they're good at maths, or have something with words. You decide what they'll do. You can choose to develope a part of their brain that in others is not developed. In their early life you can choose if you want to have sensitive ears or not. Absolute hearing or not. Good eyesight. Learning skill. Memorizing things.

And the list continues. Why am I so fascinated with kids? I can actually just stare at them for hours. Oh well, *shrugs*.

Something that's been bothering me today- what's gossiping? Me and Rattie-chan talked about it today, but we didn't really ask what it was.

" * konekush hates gossiping, but she doesn't know what gossiping is anymore. >.>
{secret}: Heh.
konekush: So I suspect gossiping is when you talk about someone and purposely tell bad things about him. <.<
{secret}: Not exactly, but close enough.
* {secret} isn't sure of the exact meaning.
konekush: What's your defination?
{secret}: Spreading potentially untrue or altered rumours.
{secret}: Gossip is NEVER the whole truth.
konekush: Well, yeah."

The secret thingie is for people who just come to visit and don't know us, or people that *I* know and Rattie-chan doesn't. ^^;

Anyways, sleeping time. ^^;

|Meduza|

Before I'm going away for full four hours, just wanted to share-

Two days ago, a girl named Hodaya disappeared from her dad's house {divorced parents}. A while latre, no one found her, not there, not here, ANYWHERE. One year and ten months old.

The police found her body buried southern to where her dad lives. It suspects that her own father killed her.

YOUNGER THAN TWO YEARS.

|Meduza|

Something really weird is going on... hmmm...
I can feel it in my bones... o.o

Almost everytime I feel it... something happens. Most of it happens when I'm in the middle of it. Most of the times it causes me troubles. ;_;

Okay, step one of getting me into class... complete. x_x In this Sunday I have an English quiz. ^^;; Adjectives, nouns {can't understand what my teacher wrote. ^^; It LOOKS like nouns. o.o Words' family... And I also have another quiz in the twenty third about three stories.

I like my English teacher. ^^ She's a great teacher. ^^ And there's a plus! She's my neighbor! XD ^^v The next teacher I need to talk with is my history/citizenship teacher. ^^;;; It'll take some effort. In history I'm BEHIND the class. Citizenship... I really hope not. The class learned it only from the beginning of the year.

I don't want to talk with my Lashon {Hebrew grammar} and expression teacher. I want to learn it slowly. Maybe I'll talk with my literature teacher. ^^;;

Maths. Yikes. WAY behind. In about a year's stuff. I hope that in Passover {April} I'll be in the first group's level...

Science- don't know. ^^; Don't care. I WILL learn it at some point, just not now.

What I DO want to learn is geography. Call me crazy or something, geography's INTERESTING.

Still. Something's weird going on... *sighs*

|Meduza|

Okay, now- the heavy bloggage. If you can't stand it in my blog- you're welcome to leave. <.<;

I think everyone out there knows I'm fourteen {and a half. ^^;}. Most of the people know what this age usually means {no. No sex, no cigarettes and no alcohol. ;>.>}. Sometimes earlier, sometimes later, but still, the oh-so-loveable-adolescence. <.< >.> I was never ready to get into it. A year ago, I was in denial that I'm even a girl. By my standards, that is. I hate shopping. Especially cloths {that explains why I don't have many cloths, damn it. XD} and makeup. Nothing tight, just loose. Until the fatal day came when I couldn't even hide it from myself anymore, and had to deal with it. Something like a year ago. Yepyep. I could've worn bras and they wouldn't bother me {they would, actually. They still are. >.>}. But the period is a different story. And I still don't think that I've digested it completely in the first six months. Even more. But that was the last straw, actually. I just wanted to lie in bed and die. Also did it for some time, actually. I practically stopped living. Why do I want to go back to being a child? The answer is easy.

I don't want to choose yet. I'm afraid of choosing the wrong path. When you're a kid your parents do everything for you. Has anyone though about asking his/hers parents about how they felt when they had to choose their own? I haven't. And I don't know if I will anytime soon.

Why do I want to control other people lives' and don't want, CAN'T, control mine? Is it a problem that's just mine? Why am I afraid of what I'll do when I'll grow up. And when I ask myself this- I freeze. Terrified. Is that all I am? A person who's just afraid?

The thing that scared me mostly about puberty is the fact that that's it. I've changed. I'm not the same me again. And it didn't happen slowly. I feel like I just woke up one day, and that's it. I'm a totally different person. Still weird, but... XD I always was one.

I think my family has gotten used to the depressed me. Lately, when they see me happy or something, they ask me what's wrong. Is being happy wrong? I don't want to copy my mom who hid an important half of her emotions. Actually, she's the one who mostly cheers me.


And something for the people who reached here:
About the Rattie-chan/me match up. ;] This thing IS amusing. A bit annoying and frustrating sometimes, but overly amusing. I've been laughing for hours reading the logs again.

I don't agree with SOME of the things he said in his last entry. Just wanted to say that I'd laugh at him too. ^_^ Especially after the example he gave me... XD

But it also made me think – again – what love is. And to tell you the truth, I don't really know. I had someone I loved. A long time ago. You'd laugh if you'd know when.

Too bad I couldn't figure out if it really WAS love. I still can't.
Anyways, in a look back, I had a broken heart. And I'm not going to have someone to break it to me ever again. Never.

|Meduza|

Didn't go. !_! I had bad luck all day. Just feeling like going to bed and sleep.. ^^;

|Meduza|

Okay. Now's 00:21. Take ten hours off my time and you will get B-nii-chan's time. Ma-nii-chan's time is 08:21. Ask Ayame in the room what's the time... ^^; And until she answered me... ~_~

Tomorrow noon I'll leave to Ramat-Gan {Garden Hill} that is twenty minutes away from my home. A HP forumeeting. *grins* It symbolizes a year to a different forumeeting in the same place.. ^^; Which symbolizes something little of myself.... XD *blushes* uhm. Yeah. XD

So I'll be gone for a couple of days. I'm also sleeping there... ^-^ There'll be something like three boys... the rest are girls... ^__^; And we're twelve people.. ^^; Woohoo! I'll meet Or-chan and Maya-chan! ^___________^

Hmm... *thinks*
Has to go to sleep and pack... so don't be surprised that I'm not online.. ^^;;

Did you know? It took me two hours and a bit to write this. ^-^

|Meduza|

Okay! Made up with Nee-chan. We both apologized and so on. ^^; That was a nasty {sort of}... issue. That's the word. And she said something that really made me cry, I swear. o-o;;; I've been this thankful for her. Now I love her even more...

Adopted another nii-chan. Serafita-nii-chan. ^-^; That makes you still 16.5.5. I've taken Rat out of it. He was a problematic nii-chan at the first place, anyways... ^^; We also had a small... issue. But it's also been solved.

Again, I thank B-nii-chan for helping me getting through it... ^^;; No offence, Rattie, but... you're not so good at it... ^^;;;;;;

Se-nii-chan's poking me to sleep. XD Amusing, ne, B-nii-chan? XD ^_^

BTW- Ma-nii-chan... remember our deal? ^_^ Fix the blog again! ^-^

|Meduza|

Okay. One's down. One more to go. XD

I think... I have to go now to my psychologist.... XD ^^;;;

Just wanted to say- B-nii-chan's a nice person. ^-^ |in love| ^^
*snickers*

|Meduza|